| IRREFUTABLE LOGIC,
POLITICIAN-STYLE "I can only impregnate. I
can't get pregnant myself." – Mississippi State Rep. Steve Holland
(D-Plantersville) (Note: Steve is NOT short for "Stephanie."
"When a storm hits, the best place to be is out of the path of
the storm." – Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, on what he learned
from Hurricane Katrina
"[This is] the most expensive redevelopment project the country
has ever seen. I would think, and predict, that it is going to cost money." –
former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R) on the possibility of a tax increase to pay
for Hurricane Katrina
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
– President George W. Bush
"When you're hunting for someone and you haven't found them,
you haven't found them." – former Defense Sec. Donald Rumsfield on the hunt for
Osama bin Laden
"If the Republican Party does not make substantial changes to
their policies, they will largely remain the same." – Rep. Corrine Brown
(D-Fla.)
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH SHARES HIS GEOGRAPHICAL
KNOWLEDGE
"Wow! Brazil is big," – President Bush during a visit
with Brazilian President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, after da Silva showed Bush a map of
his country
"Russia's big and so is China." – President Bush,
during a G8 luncheon
BAD METAPHOR DEPARTMENT: When Politicians Try to
Get Creative In Their Speech
In their quest to be quotable, many politicians opt for metaphors or
similes. They use, of course, your basic sports metaphors – one of the more popular
ways of making a point. But some metaphors are a bit more, well, let's just say creative.
To the nth degree. Let's look at some metaphors about the Iraq War . . .
- The "The Iraq War is a Football Game" Metaphor
"Go Big. Go Long. Go Home" – Pentagon insiders
terms for the three options in Iraq – to send in more troops, pull out some troops
but stay longer, or pull out
The "Yes, The Iraq War is Definitely a Football
Game" Metaphor
"Some commentators have compared the Bush plan to a
"Hail Mary" pass in football -- a desperate heave deep down the field by a
losing team at the end of the game. Actually, a far better analogy for the Bush plan is a
draw play on third down with 20 yards to go in the first quarter. The play does have a
chance of working if everything goes perfectly, but it is more likely to gain a few yards
and set up a punt on the next down, after which the game can be continued under more
favorable circumstances." – Sen. Richard Lugar (R-Indiana)
- The "No, The Iraq War is A Poker Game, Well, A Country
Song about A Poker Game" Metaphor
"This one [the Iraq War] is for all the marbles. [Iraqis
should heed] Kenny Rogers' old song: 'You got to know when to hold 'em and know when to
fold 'em.' It’s time for them to deliver on the hand that they’ve dealt."–
Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Georgia)
- The "No, No, The Iraq War is like Frodo and Sam in the
Lord of the Rings" Metaphor
"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor
is being drawn somewhere else. It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the
U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to
the United States." – Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania)
- The "No, No, No, The Iraq War is an Egg"
Metaphor
journalist Tom Lehrer: "Is there a little bit of a
broken egg problem here, Mr. President, that there is instability and there is violence in
Iraq -sectarian violence, Iraqis killing other Iraqis, and now the United States helped
create the broken egg and now says, okay, Iraqis, it's your problem. You put the egg back
together, and if you don't do it quickly and you don't do it well, then we'll get the hell
out."
President George W. Bush: "Yeah, you know, that's an interesting question. I
don't quite view it as the broken egg; I view it as the cracked egg –"
Lehrer: "Cracked egg?"
Bush: "– that – where we still have a chance to move beyond the
broken egg. And I thought long and hard about the decision, Jim. Obviously it's a big
decision for this theater in the war on terror, and you know, if I didn't believe we could
keep the egg from fully cracking I wouldn't ask 21,000 kids - additional kids to go into
Iraq to reinforce those troops that are there."
SPEAKING OF BAD METAPHORS ...
Did you know that White House Staffers are Star Trek
Vulcans? No, Klingons. Wait, make that FAUX Klingons.
"This president has listened to some people, the so-called
Vulcans in the White House, the ideologues. But you know, unlike the Vulcans of Star Trek
who made the decisions based on logic and fact, these guys make it on ideology. These
aren't Vulcans. There are Klingons in the White House. But unlike the real Klingons of
Star Trek, these Klingons have never fought a battle of their own. Don't let faux Klingons
send real Americans to war." – Rep. David Wu (D-Ore.), in a
speech on the floor of Congress |
THE "HOW I LOST MY
CAMPAIGN" AWARDS Let us give credit where
credit is due to those awe-inspiring candidates who made the wrong, the ridiculous, and,
indeed, the truly stupid, mistakes that cost them elections.
The "Silver-Tongued Rhetoric" award
goes to....New York Republican Senate hopeful Jeanine Pirro ...
.... for her gripping and catchy announcement speech in 2005
"I support making President Bush's tax cuts permanent. But I
also support the right of a woman to choose. . . . I believe in immigration. . . . But I
also believe in the Patriot Act.... Hillary Clinton has shortchanged New York....Hillary
Clinton hasn't delivered. But I am not Hillary Clinton." [pause for optimal effect]
....You will know where I stand on the issues. Hillary Clinton–"
[pause. Much shuffling of pages. Silence for 32 seconds.]
Then the gutsy "I Can Think on My Feet" Jeanine picks it
right up...with the stirring:
"Do you have page 10?"
The Timing is Everything award goes to Will
Cobb, Democratic hopeful in Ward 6 Washington D.C. ...
....for tirelessly going door-to-door and collecting 560 petition signatures – then
forgetting to hand them in on time.
When reporter from a local paper called him for an interview and
asked him how he felt filing those petitions, Cobb was taken by surprise. "Holy cow,
I got them sitting at my house right now!" His campaign manager sped to the D.C.
Board of Elections and Ethics (yup, that's what it's called. We aren't sure why...) to
hand in the petitions – and arrived there at 5:45, 45 minutes after the deadline.
Cobb was unable to run.
SEVEN BRILLIANT AND INNOVATIVE IDEAS FROM THE PENTAGON
Ya gotta love that Pentagon! While other governmental departments
opt for the old tried-and-true ways of getting things done, the DoD goes that extra mile
and come up with truly creative solutions. Note: The word "creative" does not
necessarily mean "good."
While some of the Pentagon ideas below were indeed enacted, sadly,
many never saw the light of day. We can't imagine why.
(Wait a second. Perhaps that should be vice versa?)
Clever Pentagon Idea #1: Let's shoot high-power microwaves
at American citizens to see how well they work!
A brilliant combination shot – this covers weapons-testing, cost-cutting, and
press relations in one fell swoop. The microwave devices use "active-denial
technology," in Pentagon parlance – which means that they are designed to
"inflict intense pain on human skin."
As Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne convincingly explained, "If we're not willing to
use it here against our fellow citizens, then we should not be willing to use it in a
wartime situation," said Wynne.
Was the idea used?: Yes. And all the volunteers got a 15 second cool down period
between shots.
Clever Pentagon Idea #2: Let's topple Saddam by projecting
a picture of Allah into the clouds!
Back when Saddam Hussein was still in power, the great minds of the military came up
with a way of ousting him without involving U.S. troops: projecting a holographic image of
Allah in the sky above Baghdad. While Allah was hovering in the air, He would command the
Iraqi citizens to overthrow Saddam.
Was the idea used?: No.
Clever Pentagon Idea #3: Let's turn enemy troops gay!
This was just one of the truly groundbreaking ideas that came out of a lab at Ohio's
Wright Patterson Air Force Base as part of their six year, $7.5 million non-lethal
chemical weapon research – in a report snappily entitled "Harassing, Annoying
and "Bad Guy" Identifying Chemicals."
This particular idea – which they termed "a distasteful but completely
non-lethal example" involved developing an aphrodisiac that would, with some luck,
make enemy troops get a little hot and bothered about each other. In other words, it would
"foster homosexual behavior." As a result, to quote the proposal:
"discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected."
Was the idea used?: No. After this report was made public by military watchdog
group, the Sunshine Project, Defense Department spokesman Lt. Col. Barry Venable of the
Army said, "This suggestion arose essentially from a brainstorming session, and it
was rejected out of hand." However, this idea (and the following three), while
initially floated in 1994, somehow also showed up as under consideration in 2000 and 2001.
Hmm....
Clever Pentagon Idea #4: Let's use rats as a weapon –
or...maybe wasps instead! (Or something else! Whatever!)
Those same folks who floated the "let's make 'em gay" idea also came up with
this one: developing and spraying chemicals on enemies that would attract wasps and other
stinging and/or biting insects, rats and other rodents, and larger animals.
Was the idea used?: No. Well, not yet. Not as far as we know.
Clever Pentagon Idea #5: Let's give our enemies really,
really bad breath!
Yet another from the lab at Wright Patterson Air Force Base: creating a way of
inflicting "severe and lasting halitosis" on enemy fighters. No, this wasn't to
affect their morale, but rather to "mark" them – so they would stand out if
they were trying to blend in with civilians.
Was this idea used?: No.
Clever Pentagon Idea #6: Let's spray cattle with
deodorant!
An oldie but a goodie that was only revealed in the late 1990s, but was born during
the Cold War. Worried that Soviets might be able to poison the U.S. meat supply by
breaking into stockyards and infecting cattle with hoof-and-mouth disease, the U.S. Army
came up with a way to determine how easy it could be. They would break into stockyards and
stealthily spray cattle with plain old deodorant.
Was this idea used? Yes. In 1964 and 1965, sneaky scientists sneaked into
stockyards in six different cities and sprayed cattle with deodorant.
Clever Pentagon Idea #7: Let's fight terrorism with the
Three Stooges!
How to win the hearts and minds of the citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan? How to steer
people away from terrorism and convince them that the U.S. is in the right?
Yes. Of course. The Three Stooges. (Come on. That's what you were thinking, weren't you?)
This was one idea that came out of the psychological operations unit at Fort Bragg, N.C.
– where they produce news, tv spots, articles, and more to support U.S. government
objectives in those countries and, if possible, neighboring countries. Some might call
this by the old fashioned term "propaganda," but the officers in charge call it
"truthful messages."
One plan: to produce an anti-terrorist comedy based on "The Three Stooges." In
this case, Larry, Moe and Curly (or perhaps Ahmed, Mahmoud and Khalid) would be bumbling
terrorist knuckleheads who can't pull off their jobs.
Was this idea used?: Nyuk nyuk no. They also nixed a variation on the old sit-com
Cheers and on the satirical newspaper the Onion. But they have placed thousands of
"news" article, editorials, and the like.
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